Living with Chronic Pain Volume 1: My Diagnosis

For those of you who probably are not aware I have a Chronic Pain Condition.

Who knew? But did you know there are millions of people around us every day who are suffering and fighting with them selves constantly and you might have no idea? Every once in a while we see a post on Facebook, reminding us that we don't know what other peoples struggles are, and to be kinder to one another.

I'm going to let you into my personal hell that is my story of how I was diagnosed with a Chronic Illness. So its going to be a tough read, and I thank you in advance for going along for the ride.

Chapter 1: Ouch, That Hurts Fall 2017
So this chapter is pretty straight forward. It started with, and I cant even remember which one, maybe my right knee. I don't remember doing anything to it. I just noticed something different.
Ouch. That hurts. Its Swollen too. What the heck. Oh well, lets take it easy maybe? Its getting cold, maybe I wont go to karaoke unless I have a ride or something, I'm sure they wont really miss me. I just drink Southern Comfort on ice and sing the same damn Audioslave and Chili Peppers songs every week. Maybe someone else wants to sing them. 

Some time went by and regular things that normally wouldn't bother me, like moving around furniture or crouching in a cupboard seemed to cause incredible pain or discomfort. Then, my other knee would bug me, it seemed to go back and forth.
Oh its because I'm compensating for my shit knee, no biggie, just take it easy! My knees haven't been great, remember that time I think I tore it "play wrestling" with the boys on the gym mats in the mezzanine? I limped for 3 months, I don't think I went to the doctor about it either, wow I probably should have..  why didn't my parents take me? Oh right, I'm like a cat, and like to hide my injuries instead of using them for attention. Maybe they didn't know how bad it was? Wow I am a dumb, proud creature. Its ok, it will pass...

Chapter 2: Something is Wrong Winter 2017
By this time I was starting to realize that this wasn't going away. I would have maybe one day every week or so that felt a tiny bit better and then it would be right back again. It also startted to happen in my elbows and hands.

It was coming up on Christmas, and I was working Monday to Friday and we were slammed, which means no ducking out early for a doctors appointment. We just received a ton of new retail so that meant hundreds of new SKU's and I was the only person who knew how to create these in the system. I was just too busy to deal with it then, so I suffered silently, perhaps too silently.

Christmas is coming, so Ill have some time off, and see my family, it will be really nice. I cant wait.
I didn't say much to my family about what I was going through, but by this time, I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes or walk for more than 10. It was really bad, but I didn't know what to say about it because I didn't know what it was. I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't want people to think I was getting fat and lazy.

But that is exactly what one of them said to me, that I was just fucking lazy.

I wont say who it was, and in hindsight, they are sorry they said it. I know that person will probably read this. I know that they are sorry, especially now that they know what it is. However at the time, this comment fucking destroyed me. I am a sensitive person, and I talk a big game but I am fragile as fuck both mentally and physically sometimes. I am also a stupidly proud person and don''t want to be that person who complains for attention. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. So if I do say anything out loud, ever about my pain, either physical or emotional, it might be 10x worse than I say it is. However, I was very visibly in a great deal of pain. I had a obvious limp and slow pace when I walked, and I grimaced quite noticeably, and audibly when I got out of a chair. So this comment upset me because I wasn't lazy, I was suffering. I thought that much was obvious.
So that kinda ruined my Christmas honestly. 

Chapter 3: Paging Doctor Fuck-Around Winter 2018
So Christmas came and went, I could finally take a half day to see the doctor. Now I used to have the most amazing doctor. She was caring and kind. She was one of the only people to ask how I was doing, that seemed like she really meant it. However, she retired. Or so I am told. There are no doctors taking new patients where I live, and any that are, fill up before you can hear about them. However, the Clinic I went to, had passed on her clients to either one of the new doctors in that clinic as they were taking over the practice. Except, they are both going on maternity leave in staggering times of 2018, so its going to be a mess around, but they promise me in a year or two I will get to have one doctor.

I could tell immediately, the stone cold, un-caring face of this doctor as I told her how I was feeling, struggling to describe what it was maybe made her think I was making it up to get some real nice pain medications or maybe a green card. But I wasn't. I just wanted to know what was going on with my body, it seemed really bizarre to be a 30 and sound like I am 60 when I get out of a chair. I couldn't actually tell what she was thinking, I just didn't get the vibe from her like she gave a shit at all. She tossed some blood work requisitions forms at me, didn't tell me what she was testing for and sent me on my way.

So I did these tests, and I am a nightmare for nurses at the lab clinic. I really don't mean to be, but I have deep and tiny veins. I also couldn't straighten my arm all the way. It was too swollen. So my veins are so hard to get blood from and most nurses roll them which make me get light headed and sometimes nearly pass out.

At this first of many visits the nurse pulled 5 vials before the blood catheter clogged and they would have to poke me again with a new one and re draw the last vial. I agreed, but my body didn't. It had enough. I started to pass out. So I had to wait until I had my legs under me again, and then come back for the last one another day.

I'm going to skim over the re visits to the clinic to get that last vile, and the other times I had to go back to re check for weak positives or false negatives. Even though they are huge clues to my final diagnosis, its was long and annoying for me to go through at the time, I don't really want you to go through it either. But by the looks of the blood work, we were checking for Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and other Auto Immune markers in my blood.

I will go on a mini rant about the "no news is good news" policy in Canada's Health System. If you don't hear from them about your test results, it means nothing bad was found. No this isn't good news. It means we don't know what it is and we should keep looking. For you to not call me into the office to go over the fact these results yielded no answers, and we need to try something else, means you are shit at your job. I obviously have to come back in, just call me and tell me so I don't wait around a couple weeks when my lack of results have reached you 4 or so days later.

So when I did go in and ask about my results it gave me more questions than answers. Rheumatoid Factor was Negative. There was a weak positive on my Auto Nuclear Anti Bodies (auto immune stuff) to which my doctor wasn't worried about, but I was. She said she would refer me to a rheumatologist but it was going to be a long wait. So I saw the other doctor in the clinic for a second opinion and got re tested, negative. But the other doctor gave me some stretches to help me get going in the morning and prescribed some Naproxen for the pain.

Chapter 4: The Lonely Hospitalization March 2018
It turns out I am allergic to Naproxen. I'm allergic to a lot of stuff, mostly just sulphites, which are in everything. Though I have reactions with medications from time to time too. So having an anaphylactic reaction, having to use my Epi-pen, call 911 and wait for the ambulance is something I have had to do before, twice. This doesn't include the 5 or so other times Ive got to the hospital with out an ambulance or an EpiPen However, this was the first time I took that ambulance ride alone. This was the first time I went to the new hospital, and it was grossly understaffed that night. It was 4 hours before a doctor saw me. The triage nurse poked me with a catheter in my hand for an IV when I got there, but never used it. The EpiPen had done its job and since I had another one at home, they just let me go home after 4 hours of sitting there, by my self. They didn't give me prednisone for 3 days after my reaction like they usually do (to prevent a recurring reaction) I had no one to call to come get me so I spent the last $20 bucks in my wallet on a cab home from the hospital at 3 am because I couldn't think of anyone who would answer that call if I tried. When the triage nurse asked me who my next of kin was, I said no one. Which confused them, so I left my co workers name and number because if anyone needed to know I wouldn't be there in the morning its the person who has to cover my shift.

This is where the story goes from an annoying mystery, to emotionally damaging. I could deal with the doctors fucking me around, it just meant I had to push a bit to get some head way, and I was okay with that. Id been single for a while and it was in this moment I realized how alone I was. I honestly had thoughts of dying, and no one other than work noticing. This was the first time I actually shared what I was going through on Facebook. I was reluctant to do so, as I didn't want to be that person and I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. But I needed help to get through this. I had a mini mental breakdown. I sprang back, as I always do. However this was the first time I was starting to see the emotional repercussions of having an un-diagnosed pain condition. I felt helpless, and hopeless.

Chapter 5: Doctor Google Spring 2018
After I got out of the hospital I was told not to take Aspirin or Ibuprofen as they are in the same drug family as Naproxen. So what the hell could I take then? Tylenol. How much? Up to 4 grams a day if you need it. That is about 7 Extra Strength tablets a day. Okay so, sorry liver but yeah, even 7 doesn't do a whole lot. So this was about the time everyone on Facebook started offering well intended advice. Try Tumeric, DMSO, CBD, ect. I'm going to re visit this later too, and all though some of the ones I tried offered minor improvements to the symptoms, and your intentions were good, it was like trying to treat a gun shot with a band-aid. I didn't have money to waste either, some of this stuff, because its trending, is expensive and also difficult to acquire... legally right now. It also wasn't treating the cause, whatever that was, so whatever did offer relief, I had to use TONS of it. I couldn't even have a hot bath because I couldn't pull my self out of the tub. Nothing really helped.

I was also getting people trying to diagnose me VIA Facebook, which turned into a downward spiral of obsessing over my symptoms on the Internet. I had convinced my self on several and separate occasions, that I did have Lupus, Fibromyalgia or some form of Arthritis. My doctors were checking for these at various times, because I had he symptoms. So when all these were coming up negative, I had more questions then answers, and would jump on and obsess over the next one. I wanted answers, and solutions. I couldn't sit there and do nothing. But this was toxic and probably didn't help my situation at all. I wasted so much time and energy on it. But the wait lists for specialists are long. I'm impatient. Waiting it out would have been the best thing for me to do, but I couldn't. In April, I finally got a phone call for my rheumatologist appointment, they can see me on July 3rd.

Chapter 6: Identifying as Disabled Spring 2018
As this developed, I had to make very big changes to my lifestyle. I don't drive so I walk every where. It used to take 12 minutes to walk to work, it now took me 20-30 minutes. Some days by the time I walked into the front door of my work and saw the expression on the face of my colleagues at the desk change from greeting to concern, as the walk caused me so much pain, I couldn't hide it in my face, sometimes it would make me burst into tears. I couldn't live like this anymore. It was taking a toll on me mentally and very negatively impacted me at work. Those who worked closely with me were very understanding, and I still cant thank them enough for their patience and understanding through all of it. The doctors were afraid to try any medication for depression and anxiety because of my history with drug allergies. I really was doing everything I could, but there were days I would fall apart.

I was later told by specialists I should not have been working, but with out a diagnosis, you don't have a good reason not to work and still get paid, so I had no choice

I was also acutely aware of the struggles disabled people had when venturing out in the public. I suddenly realized why crotchety old people were so old and crotchety. It was an incredible challenge to do simple tasks like get groceries or wait in line. Waiting in line It was terrible, I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes so if that line wasn't moving fast enough for me to reach the limit of trying to ignore the pain I was in, then I got pretty cranky. I was not having a happy life. That much was clear.

By this time I thought, I needed to swallow my pride from time to time and except that my body cant do everything it used to. By this time, since everything except fibromyalgia was ruled out, I was identifying as having fibromyalgia to conveniently explain my needs to others in one sentence. I honestly believed I had it at the time, since to diagnose fibromyalgia, you rule everything else out first. Believing my doctor had done that, it seemed this was the path I was on, and my appointment in July would merely confirm it. Looking back on it, I feel like I lied to people. For that, I am sorry. Fibromyalgia is actually much worse than what I have. But I otherwise didn't know what to say.

There are a scenarios where I struggled to explain my needs to strangers, even though I shouldn't have to.

Between my work, and my home is a huge construction project. The entire road, and side walk has been town up to be re done. This project is still on going, it started in the spring and was supposed to be done by October 1st, and still isn't done. Going around this site results in a 15-20 minute detour to an able bodied person in the opposite direction. (on foot) However the first time I tried to walk my usual path home from work, I was stopped by one of the flaggers. They told me the side walk was closed, and I had to go around. "I cant go around I have fibromyalgia" She looked at me rather puzzled "Is that some kind of phobia or something?" At first I thought she was mocking me, but I ignored it. "No it means I am in a lot of pain and walking is already really painful as it is" Then her tone seemed a bit more sincere "Oh you are disabled..." (This was the first time anyone had ever referred to me as disabled. Honestly the words hit me like a brick shit house) She clearly was just trying to do her job, she kind of looked around and finally said "We'll okay, I just don't want to get in trouble, if anyone says anything to you, you tell them I tried to stop you" I agreed, and thanked her and like the bad ass that I am, I walked on that closed side walk every damn day. One of the side streets in this zone has a minor short cut. It is one of many otherwise dead end streets along the road, so I used this to my advantage. I would duck down this street as it was closed to local traffic only and use a short cut that came out near my street. I had, with out words, convinced the crew I lived on that street so they kind of had to let me through. It wasn't the only way home, but its was my only way home.

I didn't speak up about my being disabled often. Only when there was no damn way I could suffer to walk a detour there and back 5 days a week for several months. No freaking way. there were a lot of times I sat in frustrated silence at able bodied people, or their back packs occupying the last seats on the bus. I even went to Vancouver to go to a concert with my friend at a night club. Great fucking idea that was, I cant even dance. But this person was really important to me, I don't see her much and we were getting to see an artist that pioneered a music genre that means so much to us both now. I really didn't want to cancel, and I didn't have much to look forward to these days. We set up camp at some stools that over looked the stage and dance floor, had some drinks, I stood and danced when I could in front of my stool, for 2 minute intervals from time to time and sat back down. People to either side of us changed through out the night, and it had become apparent that other people were eyeing up our spot. I started to notice some eye burning in the back of my head after a while. My friends boyfriend guarded our stools when we went to grab a drink, go to the bathroom or stand up for my 2 minute dance interval. Shows go super late so it wasn't completely over but we had a good night. so when we went to leave, the girl burning a hole in the back of my head brought up an image on her phone and showed it to me. It was Black Background, White Text, and it said Savage. I was kind of puzzled at first, but we were leaving anyways, so I just made a "wtf" face, shrugged it off and walked away with my friends. If the stool was what she wanted, she could have it, we were leaving. When we got outside away from the loud music, I explained to my friends what I had just experienced. I cant even be sure, I can only assume it was because I was hogging the stool all night. It was crowded, its not like my limp was obvious when you are playing frogger getting around a busy night club, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt. But it made me more acutely aware of how so many of us suffer, not so obvious struggles. By this time I got really exhausted explaining my limitations to people all the time to my peers, I didn't feel I owed it to strangers.

This instance bothered me a little, and it made me realize that big cities are not disability friendly. Standing on the sky-train and waiting as a foot passenger on the ferry is a nightmare.

PSA: Those seats are not for your back pack. I have social anxiety and I don't want to sit next to you either. I'd rather an empty chair between me on either side too, but when its that fucking busy, you suck it up and share. You are being an asshole. Just because I look able bodied, doesn't mean I am, and I shouldn't have to say I have something like fibromyalgia for you to let me have the seat.

Chapter 7: The Wait is Over July 2018
Finally. I was nervous and excited. I was excited to finally have answers, but I was also nervous about how I would feel if we didn't have answers. By this time I was in so much pain and if they couldn't help me, I didn't know how I was going to live like this. The specialist was out of town, about an hour drive. My friend has a specialist they see in this area too, and we conveniently had appointments on the same day, so he offered to drive me.

I felt good about this because it wasn't out of the way so much for them compared to anyone else I would have swallowed my pride enough to ask. I don't like to ask people for much, as a strong independent woman who has her own place I have enough to get by on my own, but not much wiggle room. So even giving people whats fair for gas comes out of my over draft, so I don't ask for rides if there is a manageable alternative. I also don't like to bug people.

The specialist, was amazing. She reminded me very much of my family doctor who had retired, she even knew of her. I spent over an hour in that appointment. She was thorough, and caring. I as she started to examine my joints and range of motion, I asked her flat out, if we were looking at fibromyalgia. She said no, and explained why. She said, all though I have a laundry list of symptoms, she knows its not fibromyalgia, because I have inflammation. my family doctor should have been able to tell me that, honestly... With fibro, The joints will still bend all the way if you manipulate them too, it just hurts. because everything hurts when you have fibromyalgia, in short your brain is constantly firing, or mis-firing pain signals all the time, its neurological which is why there are lots of pain and inflammation treatments that don't work So all though it wasn't an un warranted thought for me to think I had it, she knew this wasn't it. After my physical examination, and questioning, we sat down and she took out a sheet of paper. She wrote out and showed me 7 different types of arthritis I thought there was only 2, osteo and rheumatoid and crossed off which ones she was sure I didn't have and explained why. It left us with 3. She explained how we could narrow that down further with blood work, but since treatment for it was all very similar, we could start that right away, and tweak it based on that final diagnosis. Either way, it was auto immune arthritis. We just needed to confirm which one. Then she wrote out drug options, on a scale of light to heavy medication, there were maybe 5 of them. I wish I took the sheet with me And we crossed off ones I might be allergic to, ones she thought might not be effective enough and ones that they don't often recommend to women of child bearing age. She also suggested some physio therapy to help get me active again once I had relief from my medication. Adjusting to my medication was going to be a journey, but she had a plan. I was starting prednisone for relief now that I would take every day, then my other long term medication, methotrexate, was only once a week. It takes 6-8 weeks to work so the prednisone is to tide me over till the methotrexate takes over, then I wean off of prednisone as its not advised to stay on it for long periods of time. However after one day of being on it, I could bend my elbows and knees again, for the first time in almost a year.

The funny thing is, if the hospital had given me prednisone when I was hospitalized in March, like they usually do when you recover from anaphylaxis, I might have had an earlier clue to provide my doctors. Prednisone is an auto immune suppressant. This is why its used to combat anaphylaxis, and auto immune disorders as they are essentially your immune system over reacting to something. I would have noticed changes in my pain symptoms if they had given it to me back then.

But after this appointment I finally had some answers and finally was speaking to someone who actually cared. I cant tell you how happy this made me, how relieved I was. I really was going to get my life back. Words, really cant describe the relief. I couldn't wait to tell my loved ones that eventually, everything will be ok. After all this had effected some people very close to me, they wanted answers just as much as I did. We made so much progress, in one hour. One hour with the right person literally changed my life. Just a little more digging and the final answer would be there.

Chapter 8: The Final Diagnosis Sept 2018
We have 3 finalists so lets test to see which one is the winner! More blood work Yay! Its okay, this one was only a couple of vials, I took this one like a champ and I was happy to do it. I could actually straighten my arm much better now to make getting a vein a little easier for the nurse. I then just had to wait for a follow up with the specialist, and set so many drug alarms in my phone to keep my medication schedule trucking along. I did well with it, and had very mild side effects to my medications other than fatigue. I'm prone to very upset stomach so this was a relief that it was only minor.

So off to the specialist again I go, this appointment was pretty quick. We had our answer.

Sero-Negative Rheumatoid Arthritis (SNRA) In short, its an auto immune arthritis that does not show a Rheumatoid Factor (RF) in blood work, but its still there. This is why there was no RF in my first rounds of blood work I did in the winter time. SNRA is the less severe than Sero-Positive Rheumatoid Arthritis (which does show RF in blood work) However SNRA can evolve into SPRA  over time.

So there we have it. My diagnosis. I will be on the secondary medication methotrexate for the foreseeable future.

In Closure
When I said "I will talk about that later" in this post I meant it, but it will be in Volume 2 in a series of posts about living with Chronic Illness, instead of at the end of this post like I had originally planned. Creative process is neat.

There is a blog someone who actually has fibromyalgia shared with me and in my next post about this topic I'm going to talk about some points in this blog and tell you why they are so important and why they stuck with me so much, and why I wish I read it before I started sharing my symptoms and struggles on social media.

If you are some how not tired of hearing about this topic after my super long post, I will share the referring post for you now. If not it will be highlighted in my next post regarding this topic, so you can save it for then too.

https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/mb4kzx/how-to-support-people-with-chronic-illness

The only other thing I want to say is this, if you read this whole post, please learn from my experience. If you have self diagnosed yourself with medically unlicensed peers, or Dr. Google, please don't.

Remember when I said that one hour with the right person literally changed my life forever? Keep pushing your doctors, all of them, any of them to get you to the person who is capable of helping you. You are not going to get a short cut to a diagnosis, I'm sorry. We are an advanced society, but not that advanced. There is still so much we don't know about our bodies and the environment in which we live in. There are new things happening in the medical field every day, new conditions being discovered and treatments for them. Of course there is a portion of the medical field that is a money making industry, every sector has corruption in it, it doesn't make the whole system a fallacy. Just use your opened eyes to be able to recognize a doctor who hears your needs. Someone who treats you like a person and not a pay check. They might be hard to find, but they are worth fighting for.

Don't give up. Get a real diagnosis.

Don't just be a victim, be a survivor.

7 Reasons Why I don't Want to Date You

So this is going to be my first "opinions" piece in my rebooted blog, and its a strong one. 

So bear with me. 

The Warning Label

I will disclaim that this is not directed at any specific person, or gender. 

As a straight female I only encounter men in dating or relationship scenarios, so any mention of gender is merely my own personal experience. 

If anyone who has made an advance on me in the past who is reading this post takes offence to anything I have posted here, I'm sorry. Kind of. 

If you took it personally, it means something I said might be true. So instead of taking it out on me, do some self reflecting, and be a better version of your self for the next girl

Also...

It doesn't mean no one will want to date you, so calm down

Okay Here we Go!

#1 I'm not physically attracted to you

There, I said it. Lets not pretend that most of the time you turn down a member of the opposite sex, it is for this reason and this reason alone. Let's not call it shallow. Calling someone shallow for doing this is shaming someone for wanting to desire their partner sexually, which is absurd. Stop it, right now. How many of us have self esteem issues, body dis-morphia, or trauma from previous relationships that effect the way we view our selves physically? Now, doesn't that person deserve a partner who does desires them sexually? When someone you desire is sexually attracted to you that self doubt that we all have begins to falter, and you can truly be yourself with that person and an amazing connection of love, passion and trust will unfold.. Being with someone who doesn't desire you will only confirm all those bad thoughts and fears you have about yourself, because you are already looking for that confirmation. Anxiety is mean and cruel like that. Don't make your fears worse by settling for someone who doesn't desire you. So lets stop shaming people for having their particular taste. Curvy girls, Skinny girls, Athletic guys or Dad bods.. its all someones kink. Let them have it.

#2 Conflict of Interest

Now this one is a little less harsh, and really not your fault at all. I will deny an opportunity to give a guy a chance if there is some sort of risk to my already established way of life. It could be a number of things, but the most common might be that you are too close with someone I have already had a relationship with or vice versa. My reputation is already bad enough for "Who haven't you dated?" So I have to be selective. If whether or not a future with you is hazy and unclear, the safe choice for me is to steer clear. Don't get me wrong, I will look past this, if there is something that shows me the risk might be worth it. I've asked out guys in my friend circle before, because they were worth the risk. So if you are in that position and trying to date me, you'll need to check off a lot of items off my list. 

Also don't ask me (or anyone) for that list, I am a growing human being and whats on my list for the ideal partner will change often, like anyone else. 

Its not your goal to BECOME that list for a specific girl you have in your cross hairs. You can't become someone you are not, just be the best version of your self. Only then will you will check every items on the list of a good person who deserves to have you.

#3 You Might Be A Man-Child

I get that everyone has struggles. Lots of us near 30 still have to have roommates, and might rent a suite off a family member, this isn't about that specifically. Its about how long I perceive you will be content with that. There is a big difference between having a struggling life, and accepting a struggling life. If I don't think you are capable of getting your shit together on your own, I don't want to have to hold your hand through it. I'm a fighter, no matter what has come my way I have always found a way to bounce back and get through it. I don't expect anything from anyone else that I don't expect from my self. I might take a day or two to wallow in worry and freak out, but every time, I spring back and kick life in the nads. Whatever my method is, it seems to be working for me. I have been successfully living on my own, making my own way for a couple years since I got out of my last long term relationship. Its not easy, but I do it. If you cant fight your way to a better way of life, then I don't see you as a strong enough person to have by my side as we face life's struggles together in the future. A relationship should not be your motivation for getting your shit together, you should be doing it for yourself. If you don't value your self that much, it brings me to our next reason why I might not want to date you...

#4 If You Don't Value Yourself, I Cant Do It For You

Before you get all angry with me, don't forget, I was this person. Recently even. The last 2 years of my life were a crash course, about myself. For several years was a chronic dater, always in a relationship or living with someone. Only in the last 2 years have I been living by my self, no boyfriend, no roommates. Its given me the opportunity to self reflect. Don't get me wrong I have been "seeing people" but nothing super serious. There has been a no mutual "lets do this" from both parties involved, some on my side, some on theirs. So these are all learning opportunities for me to see why that maybe didn't take flight. This particular reason has come up for me as often as it has for them. So I'm speaking from the experience of both sides of this story.

Lots of us are guilty of this, and I am not trying to shame you for it at all. Again, we all struggle and again, there is a difference between momentarily doubting your self, and accepting it. Do not live there. Do not make that "hole" we fall into from time to time your home. Its emotionally taxing, and exhausting to be the person who has to believe in you when you wont. This isn't something anyone of any capacity can do for very long. So that's what I mean when I say, don't live there. No one wants to go on a date to a pity party. There is something really terrible that happens when you decide to make that place your home, and its reason number five.

#5 Your Shit is Toxic

Maybe you don't value your self enough, or maybe you have placed too much value in yourself that you exude arrogance and entitlement. Either way, your shit is toxic, and I can smell it. There is definitely a limit to the sentiment of having people accept you for "who you are" That only applies to you if your shit isn't toxic. 

Have a second look at yourself. Do you go out of your way to say, or do anything, to the people who care about you that can only yield a negative response? This behavior is absolutely unacceptable in any and all of your relationships. Anyone who values them selves will cut these people out of their life immediately, with out question. Now, I have been guilty of this, to some extend we all are. However, I didn't let my self become that person, though I did at some instances exhibit those behaviors in the lower periods of my life. So I'm not trying to slap at you from my high horse, but I once asked my self why people I valued so much were now gone from my life. I had to learn how to communicate my feelings better, and I am still learning. We don't all have to learn the hard way to "think before we speak" The first step in becoming a better person is self awareness, you might have good intentions, but make sure your actions and your words align with what those intentions are.

For example, if you spend more time arguing with people about how to make the world a better place, instead of going out and making the world a better place... you might be toxic. You might be a hypocrite and actually a part of the problem. You are not the knight in shining armour saving people from their ignorance, you are just ignorant. If people have deleted you or blocked you because you said something "real" then you might be just a troll. I don't date trolls bro 

In order to love and respect someone as a person you need to accept that they might have thoughts and feelings that you don't agree with or understand. You need to let them have those feelings and opinions and not try to change them. Mind you if those thoughts or opinions devalue human rights, or are bigoted and fascist, then you have a toxic person who doesn't need to be in your orbit. Again, you are still letting them feel that way, you are just choosing to not be a part of it. In fact ignoring them means I respect their right to have an opinion. Arguing/Debating with them is an attempt at changing it. See what I did there? Your argument, for your arguing is invalid. -mic drop

#6 You might be a Beta-Male (for lack of a better term*)
*Maybe these terms are fallacies but I am not really sure how else I can describe what I am talking about, so bear with me...

Its true, this might be a BIG reason why I don't want to date you. I am a complicated creature, and I don't know whether or not to identify as beta or alpha female. I know that I don't tend to get along well with alpha females, I don't like being told what to do, by women. However, in a relationship I am submissive by nature. I don't want to date a man-child because I don't want to be the leader. I want to select someone who is worthy of leading the pack and follow them on our journey together. Most of the time I want you to pick what we watch, where to eat, and what to do today. As long as the relationship is balanced enough for me to have input when I do have my own ideas and food cravings, then that is the kind of relationship I will find exciting and rewarding. Please note, that Beta-Males are not bad people. They are often selfless, kind and caring people who just want to make you happy. They are perfect for some people, just not me. I don't want to choose my life from a menu of everything you have to offer, sometimes I want to be pushed into doing something I might not choose my self, or that I might be afraid of. I can try those things and conquer my fears with my alpha at my side, he will push me and inspire me to become a better person. Its not that I don't believe in my self, its just that some people need that extra push. A Beta-Male will coddle me too much and I wont grow, I will make excuses and they will let me, because they are Beta-Males. I feel a lot of empathy for the Beta-Males I have as friends. They are wonderful people, and I have seen them be taken advantage of by emotionally draining and manipulative women. They deserve better, but I also deserve what I desire too. So sorry Mr. Beta, lets just be friends. 

#7 The "Nice Guys Finish" Last Reason

This was the concept which inspired me to write this post. I wrote it for that guy. If you have ever mumbled the phrase "Nice Guys Finish Last" or made some some self loathing comment to make anyone who has turned you down feel guilty for doing so, then I fucking hate you. I won't feel sorry for you, and here is why. This is a manipulation technique called "gas lighting" If don't want to date you, for a probably valid reason, and you attempt to turn it around on me and make me feel like I am the bad person in this scenario for not giving you a chance? Here is some news that might startle you. I don't fucking owe you a chance, or a reason why I am not interested. I don't care if you think you are the nicest guy in the world. My hand, or my body is not some sort of reward you deserve for being, you. It is my choice who I accept a date from. It is my choice who I share my body with. Actual nice guys do not finish last, if you actually were a nice guy, you wouldn't have to say it. The actual nice guy just might be a beta-male asking out a girl who prefers an alpha-male. He wont finish last, as long as he keeps trying. 

Now for Some Closure:

I could have made this post a simple "you are not the right person for me"

Really, that's all it is, whenever someone isn't interested in you.

There are no books you can read, or hot tips you can try to get someones attention.

sHe's just not that into you

HOWEVER There is a lot of inspiring material out there in the world wide web that can aid you into becoming a better person. What ever it is that you need to build your self into the best version of yourself I support it. Everyone has a different path, so its okay if something that worked for your sister or your co worker doesn't work for you. Just keep trying till something resonates with you personally and you see positive changes in yourself. 

It is totally okay to be a work in progress, but it isn't the best time for romantic relationships. Its fair to say we are always a work in progress, but you have to have a good footing about yourself to be ready to date long term.

Now for me, I am 31 years old, and I am not looking for a project boyfriend. In my early twenties I might have had the time and patience for it, but not now. I'm looking for a man that knows what he is & what he wants. When what that man wants is me, I might be off the market. 

Till then I will be spending my time just doing what I love. I will be making jewelry, trying my hand at writing, re-visiting my childhood with vintage video games, eating or drinking with my friends, and enjoying the single life. 

If my life was so terrible that only a relationship would save it, then I don't have anything to offer that man I am waiting for. It took me way too long to full understand that, and now that I have, the last 10 or so years of my life look very different than they did at the time. Now that I love my life, I wont settle for anything less than someone who can take it to the next level. Because after 30 odd years of self doubt, depression, and anxiety... I finally see that I deserve better. 

My First "Adventures with Arya" Tag

So its been a long time since I shared what was going on with my life. So n my last post I shared with you the story of my last days with Chloe. My Black Manx I've posted about when I was previously blogging. If you missed that post, you can find it here.

I would like to take this time to introduce you to the furr baby I will be blogging about now.

Caution: Highly photogenic, there will be lots of photos.

This is Arya.

I cant take credit for the name, and here is why...

Arya once belonged to a girl in my nerd friend circle. Her and her bf at the time adopted 2 kittens, brother and sister. The boy was named Rickon and the girl Arya.

For those of you who don't know, they are named after sibling characters in Game of Thrones..

... and not ones who have sex with each other.

This is the pair of them as kittens in 2014, this photo was sent to me by the first kitty momma so photo cred to her

Some time went on, and the pair of them split up, and the siblings got separated also. After some more time she had moved on and was now expecting a baby, and getting a new place to move into with the father of her child.

Finding a place with a pet, and coming up with the extra pet deposit was really challenging, as the rental market is incredibly limited, so its very competitive. Its even worse now. So she had to make that very difficult decision to re-home her.

Around this time, 5 months has past since I had to say good bye to Chloe. Feb/March 2016

I had been living with my boyfriend at the time about as long as Chloe was gone. He had a cat growing up but it was more bonded to his mother than he was with him so he never considered this cat to be his. So when i was ready to adopt again, he was a little hesitant, but by this time he saw how important it was for me to have a pet, and decided he was ready for us to start looking.

Kitten season was approaching so we were watching adoption listings from the 2 local rescues in town, waiting for the right one. However, I was also willing to adopt an adult so I put the work out on Facebook that we were looking.

Arya had already had a new home lined up to go to, and her mum was moving into the new place in a couple of days when they bailed on her. So she contacted me asking if I could take her.

I said my boyfriend and I were hoping to pick out a kitty together, but I could check with him, and we could at least foster her until she had another arrangements set up for her. Moving day was in a day or two, so there wasn't much else she could do, I was happy to help.

This girl and I were not particularly close, however the soon to be father of her child was a friend of mine and lived in my building, so Arya was there briefly while she was in between housing at a time. I had leant them Chloe's litter box (after she passed away) so I only breifly saw her once when i was at the door. So really, I was meeting Arya for the first time when they dropped her off at my house.

My boyfriend at the time was at work till 10ish so it was just me at home. she came in her little baby blue carrier, which we set down in the living room, opened it up and let her have a look around.

Checking out my place for the first time

After some sadness, her momma left her and her things with me. including the litter box I had lent them a few months ago.

I let Arya explore, trying not to overwhelm her too much with my attention. She was more interested in the space with me, so I let her be. Then after she checked out every room, she hid behind the curtain to the sliding glass door, for quite a while. 

So I left her food bowl at the end of it and proceeded to make dinner for my self in the kicthen. After I was done I sat on the couch, put on some TV and ate my food.

Then, she came out and joined me

Actual photo of this encounter

I smiled, gave her a pat and continued to eat my dinner as she watched me. After I was done eating she seemed more comfortable, and ready to explore some more. So I sort of followed her around taking pictures of this sweet little kitty playing under my bed.

Checking things out some more

She seemed to be enjoying her new space and warming up to it pretty well since she was dropped off 2 hours ago, and that was when her personality really started to show. Its safe to say I was falling in love.

My boyfriend at the time was now getting of work, rushing home and excited to meet the kitty we would be taking care of. Within 30 seconds of walking through the door, he was on the floor and she was offering him an invitation for a belly rub.

And it wasn't a trap either, actual belly rubs were had with out teeth or claws

We decided within that moment that this wasn't a foster, and her momma didn't have to find another home for her. We would keep her.

And that was it, she was ours.

Arya wasn't fixed or vaccinated so of course we brought her to the vet a couple weeks later for a check up, some shots and to book her spay.

Her pre-operation examination did not pass with flying colours, they had some concerns and requested additional testing. This was a little alarming, what they thought might be cat leukemia, ended up being a result of a poor diet. It was more like, leukemia is the worst case scenario for what we are seeing so we should rule it out with blood work, but it was up to me. So we paid for some additional blood work too, but found out this fussy furr baby is allergic to chicken, but otherwise a healthy kitty.

Before I go into the vet bill, I am in no way complaining about the vet costs, its something you MUST prepare for when you adopt. Always have a sum of money prepared for a surprise vet visit when you take on the responsibility of a living creature. Free kitties are not free and WILL cost you more than any adoption fee from any shelter in North America. The only reason I'm sharing this is so that you ARE informed when you adopt outside of a shelter to try and "save money" Shelters are eligible for discounted spay programs or have vets who volunteer a certain amount of hours to perform them. If you adopt privately, you will have to pay the full rate for a spay if you do not have low income spay and neuter programs in your area. Comox Valley has this service now, and if you have one in your area, please follow them on Facebook & support their fundraisers as this is a VERY important service to have. I believe all homes are happier with the right pet addition to the family and low income families deserve this kind of happiness too, these programs help make this possible. But remember that you are obligated to provide necessary medical care, and refusal to do so, broke or not is an act of animal cruelty in the Animal Rights Act. So PLEASE prepare yourself before you adopt.

Okay, mini lecture is over. I think.

So at the end of the day, for her vaccinations, pre opp examination, blood test, spay and after care accessories & prescriptions $480

-Adoption fees tend to range from $100-$200 in our area-

They include a spay/neuter, first vaccinations and a check up

Now, The Blood test was about $50 so a female cat who passed their pre-op examination, and WOULD wear a cone ($10) instead of the onesie ($30) would have paid just over $400.

My name is Arya and if you try to put a cone on my head I will try and do back flips to get out of it and pull my sticthes hur hur hur, stoopid human. You must buy the $30 onesie from the vet with the special poop hole.

Before you comment with 

"Oh my god I called such and such and they said it would only cost this much and you got ripped off" 

I take my furrr babies to Van Isle Vet, and its been said by some people they are the most expensive veterinarian in town. I don't know if this is true or not, and I don't care. Here is why. 

At the time it was right across the street from my house & they are open late and on weekends so it was super convenient. Van Isle Vet also has a very current & clean facility which allows them to provide the best care possible for your animals. Innovative equipment means a faster more accurate diagnosis so in many cases, this will SAVE you $ as you pay for time and tests. so keep this in mind when choosing your vet. I don't recommend you call around for who does the cheapest spay/neuter or the cheapest check up appointment. If money is an issue, look into who has programs that can help.

Van Isle Vet has the Oscar Fund, named after the orange kitty who used to be spotted in the reception area before he passed away. 

He was actually Chloe's boyfriend, he gave her kisses when ever I brought her in

You can read his story here

This fund helps cover emergency vet bills in emergencies when $ is the difference between life and death. The Comox Valley is also including low cost spay and neuter programs, as explained in this article

This is just why I take them to Van Isle, so think about this when you decide who to take your animals to, also keep all this in mind when planning the cost of bringing a new animal into your home.

Okay, back to Arya.

So she was ours. She was fixed, vaccinated, on food that suited her best and she was ours.

And such begins the fun and happy life we will get to follow in this blog from now until she becomes an old lady kitty.

Now that boyfriend and I broke up. I don't know if  I will share that story. But there is a reason I wont be sharing the belly rub photo I took when he met her for the first time. as cute as that photo is, and as much as it will lend to this story, he and I are not on speaking terms and I respect the right to people privacy.  I also don't include the name of her former mum. She will probably read this when it gets posted, and follow the blog to see what her former kitty is up to. She might identify herself in the comments if she wishes, but people have the right to their privacy.

In the future, I will use fake names if I do not have permission from those people to be identified in my stories, for the sake of it being easier to read. "My boyfriend at the time" is kind of annoying. So sorry for that.

Here is a photo spam of what makes Arya so wonderful

Arya is a Flame Point Siamese Crossed with a Tabby. So she has very interesting markings.

Tabby Mask and Socks

She is very snuggly

Such a snuggle bug

She WILL NOT let you poop alone.

Hai hoomin, what doin?

I give you head buts while you poop

She does not like it when I spend too much time on the computer and will interrupt me and demand I hold her like a baby

Who's the baby?

If I am gaming, and she insists on affection, I can sometimes get her to sit on my shoulders

Gamer kitty

If I say no, I often will find her under my desk, like this

My heart, she looks so sad :(

She is also a fussy eater...

I have more interest in mums food than I do my own

She is very photogenic, so I will post pictures of her a lot.

Mum, do not go to work plz

And we have lots of cute moments worth sharing, Like this.

Kitty is big spoon today

So I think that sums up my life with Arya, and I will continue to share cute moments and stories with you all as the years pass. Arya is 4 years old now and in great health. I'm looking forward to sharing with you the journey of this little weirdo. She is intuitive, funny, affectionate and one of the most beautiful kitties I have ever seen. She is chatty, social and loves everyone. 

Now you all get to fall in love with her too

The last "My Cat Chloe" Label

This is going to be a bit of a sad post, I know I haven't posted in a long time, I don't know if there is anyone out there who had been following the posts about Chloe. She was my Manx kitty and you can see her posts in the "My Cat Chloe" label on the archive.

Such a model <3 td="">

In July 2015, one day I noticed some strange behavior. She was eating her food and she kept dropping the piece of kibble she was trying to eat, and after a few times, she gave up and walked away from her bowl. This coming from the cat who inhales her entire bowl after you put it down, and has to be portion fed so she doesn't puke it back up. 

So I scooped her up and thought I should have a look in her mouth, maybe her teeth are bothering her or something. I noticed that her tongue was a bit red underneath, and seemingly swollen. I lived across the street from the vet at the time so I put her in the carrier and walked her over to see if there was a last minute space available. 

Fortunately, I got her in to see someone almost right away. They didn't see any injury to suggest she had bitten into something she shouldn't have, or caught and chased a wasp or something like that. But we could treat the inflammation anyway with medication and if it wasn't anything sinister, we should see a difference within the week. Until then I was to switch her to wet food, water it down and syringe feed her to make sure she gets the food and water she needs to stay healthy.

Syringe feeding her was a funny experience, the first time, was a challenge. I had to swaddle her in a blanket and hold her like a baby. But once she realized "Oh hey that's food" I could sit on the floor in the kitchen and she would walk right up and lap up the food with out issue. However she would get it all over her face and you had to be quick with the paper towel or she would shake it and you would be covered in sloppy wet cat food, and so would everything around you.

Nearly a week passed and there was no improvement, so we had to investigate the area with a biopsy. So she had to get put to sleep under and anesthetic and they had to take a sample from inside the tongue and run some tests.

I sat at home across the street and waited by the phone, so many things ran through my head. She was only 9 years old, which is still young for a well looked after house cat. She had cystitis but it was managed with a good diet and she was otherwise a healthy kitty. she was a little chubby, but not obese. I bathed her monthly, trimmed her nails, vert check up every year ect. I had NEVER considered I didn't have another near decade of time with her.

The phone rang, mid procedure. Its Carcinoma, in the Tongue. Its in an area where they cannot successfully operate to remove it. They ask me if I should bring her out of the anesthetic or not to say goodbye.I asked them to bring her back, so I could make her last days special. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to tell her goodbye. Some folks may find it silly, and others wouldn't think twice about it. When you love animals as much as I do, and spend as much time with them as I do, you learn how intuitive they are. There are things, you KNOW they understand. You don't know how they know, they just do. So I had to make sure she knew how much she was loved. So I brought her home and she was so funny while the anesthetic was wearing off. She walked around drunk, but happy drunk. She was even more snugly than usual, and she was a VERY snugly kitty.

This is us having a snuggle after coming home from the vet after her diagnosis

Chloe touched the lives of many people. I met so many people who absolutely despised cats, and she would win them over some how. So I had an opportunity for people to come by and see her for one last time. So I had some friends over, we played some Magic the Gathering, ordered some pizza and had she had a good cuddle sesh with lots of people who cared about her.

If she wasn't in one of their laps, she was in the lid of Matthews Deck(s) Box.

Chloe stayed with us for another week or so of syringe feeding. She seemed to be very happy and very much her self when I brought her home from the vet, and the anesthetic wore off. So I couldn't bring my self to say good bye just yet. She still seemed so stoked on life. The syringe feeding was challenging, but I didn't mind. Not if it meant I still had more time.

So I continued to syringe feed Chloe. I weighed her every morning, and tracked in a book in the kitchen how much food I managed to feed her and what her weight was at. See, when you water the food down, it turned a serving size into about 300ML's of liquid, and the largest syringe I could get was 50ML so refilling that and feeding it to her took a good hour, and sometimes at 200 or so she had enough and wanted a break. I would get up at 5 am and start giving her breakfast to make sure she got enough food in her before I had to get ready and going to the bus around 7:30 or so.

At the time a friend of mine lived on the bottom floor of my apartment building and he had a spare key, he would come up around lunch time and see what he could get her to eat. My roommates had tried to help out, but it wasn't something they were as comfortable doing as the friend who lived downstairs, so he volunteered as mid day nanny for Chloe. I would get text updates that I would check during my breaks in my work day, to see if she was doing okay and eating enough food.

I ultimately switched her from her bladder formula to a critical care formula. It had more calories ect for cats who might be struggling to eat.

Things were good for a couple weeks, and then one day her weight plummeted, in a period of 24 hours. I was so panicked, and my job at the time was far from my home. I couldn't check on her during the day, I don't drive. Even if I could get time off work (fat chance) I couldn't afford to, I had hundreds of dollars in vet bills to pay. Then my friend was having a hard time getting her to eat at lunch and I was so scared. I spent the day at work anxious, trying not to cry. I knew what I was being faced with, and didn't want to admit it. I wasn't ready. Please if she can just eat some more I will have more time.

Then on a Saturday I came home from work, and I unlocked the door.

Every single day, she would get up from where ever she was in the house and greet me at the door as I came in. She had done it for the last decade, every day with out fail. Even the day before, she got up, with her tongue sorta peeking out the side of her mouth. she would waddle over and greet me for a pat on the head.

This Saturday, August 1st 2015 was the first day she didn't greet me at the door. I looked over to her cat bed, she had turned her head over the side to see me. I looked at her and she didn't want to get up. She looked sad for the first time in her life. I put down my bags, and went over and sat down next to the bed on the floor. I pat her on the head and I only said one thing.

"I know"

It was time for us to say goodbye. The personality she had the day she came home from the vet, that told me she was still comfortable and happy, was gone. Its not fair to keep her here anymore, losing weight and waiting to die. I was worried sick about her all week, and that was not how we should have spent our last week together. It was tough on both of us. So I had to grow up, and do the right thing.

I phoned the vet office, and booked her euthanasia and cremation for the next morning.
My roommate accompanied me for the appointment.

9 am on Sunday Aug 2nd 2015

And I had to go to work, at 11 am afterwards.
(Yeah, I couldn't even get the day off work)

I now have her ashes on my shelf in a box with this photo on it

10/10 Best Little Spoon

I was advertising a fundraiser with some of my jewelry, to raise money to cover her vet bills. If my friends wanted to toss in 10 bucks to help out, they should at least get something for it, like a pair of earrings or something. That's just how I was raised, every dollar has value and it doesn't come for free.

These were the earrings I was using to raise money for Chloe

My grandmother, who isn't even very fond of cats, offered to help me recoup the vet bill for her cremation. It took a huge weight off my shoulders. Hand outs are not something we ask for, or expect in our family. Some families, with out question, ones parents or grandparents would offer or be asked to help pay. This isn't how our family is, so it meant that much more that she reached out and offered a hand, just from seeing my Facebook posts about raising money for Chloe with my earrings. Over all it was about a thousand dollars for the diagnosing, euthanasia and cremation.

I think about Chloe every day, and I think back to the times where she wanted affection and I was too busy to take time to cuddle with her. Maybe I had to do chores around the house on my only day off, or I was trying to make dinner, or carrying a load of groceries in and had no free hands to pet her.

The fact that I didn't get as much time with her as I expected taught me that sometimes the world can wait. The dishes, will be there tomorrow. I have more clothes that I think I do, and eventually, yeah. the laundry will get done.

Take time.

Its okay to spend half of your day off cuddling your cat on the couch.
That's you + her time. Its important.

You NEVER know when your time is up.
With your pets, or with anyone.

This lesson made me a better cat Mom for Arya.
She is the kitty I have now, also a rescue.
I will introduce her in a up coming post very soon

It has made me a better friend, and a better person.
I still need to work on making time for the people I love.

I don't spend enough time with my family, they live 4 hours away.
I don''t drive and they don't travel.
10 years goes by so much more quickly than you think.

Chloe was there for me in that 10 year span, and I didn't spend much of it being there for my family.
I wasn't there when Jack our family dog was also diagnosed with cancer and had to be put down. He was younger than Chloe when he was diagnosed.

We thought we had more time.

I said goodbye to him on the phone, again, because I couldn't get out of work.

So I am still working on trying to be there. I make time for the people here the best I can.
Its a struggle and it always will be.

Every time I think about Chloe I'm reminded how important it is.

Sometime today, think about someone you love, and make time.