7 Reasons Why I don't Want to Date You

So this is going to be my first "opinions" piece in my rebooted blog, and its a strong one. 

So bear with me. 

The Warning Label

I will disclaim that this is not directed at any specific person, or gender. 

As a straight female I only encounter men in dating or relationship scenarios, so any mention of gender is merely my own personal experience. 

If anyone who has made an advance on me in the past who is reading this post takes offence to anything I have posted here, I'm sorry. Kind of. 

If you took it personally, it means something I said might be true. So instead of taking it out on me, do some self reflecting, and be a better version of your self for the next girl

Also...

It doesn't mean no one will want to date you, so calm down

Okay Here we Go!

#1 I'm not physically attracted to you

There, I said it. Lets not pretend that most of the time you turn down a member of the opposite sex, it is for this reason and this reason alone. Let's not call it shallow. Calling someone shallow for doing this is shaming someone for wanting to desire their partner sexually, which is absurd. Stop it, right now. How many of us have self esteem issues, body dis-morphia, or trauma from previous relationships that effect the way we view our selves physically? Now, doesn't that person deserve a partner who does desires them sexually? When someone you desire is sexually attracted to you that self doubt that we all have begins to falter, and you can truly be yourself with that person and an amazing connection of love, passion and trust will unfold.. Being with someone who doesn't desire you will only confirm all those bad thoughts and fears you have about yourself, because you are already looking for that confirmation. Anxiety is mean and cruel like that. Don't make your fears worse by settling for someone who doesn't desire you. So lets stop shaming people for having their particular taste. Curvy girls, Skinny girls, Athletic guys or Dad bods.. its all someones kink. Let them have it.

#2 Conflict of Interest

Now this one is a little less harsh, and really not your fault at all. I will deny an opportunity to give a guy a chance if there is some sort of risk to my already established way of life. It could be a number of things, but the most common might be that you are too close with someone I have already had a relationship with or vice versa. My reputation is already bad enough for "Who haven't you dated?" So I have to be selective. If whether or not a future with you is hazy and unclear, the safe choice for me is to steer clear. Don't get me wrong, I will look past this, if there is something that shows me the risk might be worth it. I've asked out guys in my friend circle before, because they were worth the risk. So if you are in that position and trying to date me, you'll need to check off a lot of items off my list. 

Also don't ask me (or anyone) for that list, I am a growing human being and whats on my list for the ideal partner will change often, like anyone else. 

Its not your goal to BECOME that list for a specific girl you have in your cross hairs. You can't become someone you are not, just be the best version of your self. Only then will you will check every items on the list of a good person who deserves to have you.

#3 You Might Be A Man-Child

I get that everyone has struggles. Lots of us near 30 still have to have roommates, and might rent a suite off a family member, this isn't about that specifically. Its about how long I perceive you will be content with that. There is a big difference between having a struggling life, and accepting a struggling life. If I don't think you are capable of getting your shit together on your own, I don't want to have to hold your hand through it. I'm a fighter, no matter what has come my way I have always found a way to bounce back and get through it. I don't expect anything from anyone else that I don't expect from my self. I might take a day or two to wallow in worry and freak out, but every time, I spring back and kick life in the nads. Whatever my method is, it seems to be working for me. I have been successfully living on my own, making my own way for a couple years since I got out of my last long term relationship. Its not easy, but I do it. If you cant fight your way to a better way of life, then I don't see you as a strong enough person to have by my side as we face life's struggles together in the future. A relationship should not be your motivation for getting your shit together, you should be doing it for yourself. If you don't value your self that much, it brings me to our next reason why I might not want to date you...

#4 If You Don't Value Yourself, I Cant Do It For You

Before you get all angry with me, don't forget, I was this person. Recently even. The last 2 years of my life were a crash course, about myself. For several years was a chronic dater, always in a relationship or living with someone. Only in the last 2 years have I been living by my self, no boyfriend, no roommates. Its given me the opportunity to self reflect. Don't get me wrong I have been "seeing people" but nothing super serious. There has been a no mutual "lets do this" from both parties involved, some on my side, some on theirs. So these are all learning opportunities for me to see why that maybe didn't take flight. This particular reason has come up for me as often as it has for them. So I'm speaking from the experience of both sides of this story.

Lots of us are guilty of this, and I am not trying to shame you for it at all. Again, we all struggle and again, there is a difference between momentarily doubting your self, and accepting it. Do not live there. Do not make that "hole" we fall into from time to time your home. Its emotionally taxing, and exhausting to be the person who has to believe in you when you wont. This isn't something anyone of any capacity can do for very long. So that's what I mean when I say, don't live there. No one wants to go on a date to a pity party. There is something really terrible that happens when you decide to make that place your home, and its reason number five.

#5 Your Shit is Toxic

Maybe you don't value your self enough, or maybe you have placed too much value in yourself that you exude arrogance and entitlement. Either way, your shit is toxic, and I can smell it. There is definitely a limit to the sentiment of having people accept you for "who you are" That only applies to you if your shit isn't toxic. 

Have a second look at yourself. Do you go out of your way to say, or do anything, to the people who care about you that can only yield a negative response? This behavior is absolutely unacceptable in any and all of your relationships. Anyone who values them selves will cut these people out of their life immediately, with out question. Now, I have been guilty of this, to some extend we all are. However, I didn't let my self become that person, though I did at some instances exhibit those behaviors in the lower periods of my life. So I'm not trying to slap at you from my high horse, but I once asked my self why people I valued so much were now gone from my life. I had to learn how to communicate my feelings better, and I am still learning. We don't all have to learn the hard way to "think before we speak" The first step in becoming a better person is self awareness, you might have good intentions, but make sure your actions and your words align with what those intentions are.

For example, if you spend more time arguing with people about how to make the world a better place, instead of going out and making the world a better place... you might be toxic. You might be a hypocrite and actually a part of the problem. You are not the knight in shining armour saving people from their ignorance, you are just ignorant. If people have deleted you or blocked you because you said something "real" then you might be just a troll. I don't date trolls bro 

In order to love and respect someone as a person you need to accept that they might have thoughts and feelings that you don't agree with or understand. You need to let them have those feelings and opinions and not try to change them. Mind you if those thoughts or opinions devalue human rights, or are bigoted and fascist, then you have a toxic person who doesn't need to be in your orbit. Again, you are still letting them feel that way, you are just choosing to not be a part of it. In fact ignoring them means I respect their right to have an opinion. Arguing/Debating with them is an attempt at changing it. See what I did there? Your argument, for your arguing is invalid. -mic drop

#6 You might be a Beta-Male (for lack of a better term*)
*Maybe these terms are fallacies but I am not really sure how else I can describe what I am talking about, so bear with me...

Its true, this might be a BIG reason why I don't want to date you. I am a complicated creature, and I don't know whether or not to identify as beta or alpha female. I know that I don't tend to get along well with alpha females, I don't like being told what to do, by women. However, in a relationship I am submissive by nature. I don't want to date a man-child because I don't want to be the leader. I want to select someone who is worthy of leading the pack and follow them on our journey together. Most of the time I want you to pick what we watch, where to eat, and what to do today. As long as the relationship is balanced enough for me to have input when I do have my own ideas and food cravings, then that is the kind of relationship I will find exciting and rewarding. Please note, that Beta-Males are not bad people. They are often selfless, kind and caring people who just want to make you happy. They are perfect for some people, just not me. I don't want to choose my life from a menu of everything you have to offer, sometimes I want to be pushed into doing something I might not choose my self, or that I might be afraid of. I can try those things and conquer my fears with my alpha at my side, he will push me and inspire me to become a better person. Its not that I don't believe in my self, its just that some people need that extra push. A Beta-Male will coddle me too much and I wont grow, I will make excuses and they will let me, because they are Beta-Males. I feel a lot of empathy for the Beta-Males I have as friends. They are wonderful people, and I have seen them be taken advantage of by emotionally draining and manipulative women. They deserve better, but I also deserve what I desire too. So sorry Mr. Beta, lets just be friends. 

#7 The "Nice Guys Finish" Last Reason

This was the concept which inspired me to write this post. I wrote it for that guy. If you have ever mumbled the phrase "Nice Guys Finish Last" or made some some self loathing comment to make anyone who has turned you down feel guilty for doing so, then I fucking hate you. I won't feel sorry for you, and here is why. This is a manipulation technique called "gas lighting" If don't want to date you, for a probably valid reason, and you attempt to turn it around on me and make me feel like I am the bad person in this scenario for not giving you a chance? Here is some news that might startle you. I don't fucking owe you a chance, or a reason why I am not interested. I don't care if you think you are the nicest guy in the world. My hand, or my body is not some sort of reward you deserve for being, you. It is my choice who I accept a date from. It is my choice who I share my body with. Actual nice guys do not finish last, if you actually were a nice guy, you wouldn't have to say it. The actual nice guy just might be a beta-male asking out a girl who prefers an alpha-male. He wont finish last, as long as he keeps trying. 

Now for Some Closure:

I could have made this post a simple "you are not the right person for me"

Really, that's all it is, whenever someone isn't interested in you.

There are no books you can read, or hot tips you can try to get someones attention.

sHe's just not that into you

HOWEVER There is a lot of inspiring material out there in the world wide web that can aid you into becoming a better person. What ever it is that you need to build your self into the best version of yourself I support it. Everyone has a different path, so its okay if something that worked for your sister or your co worker doesn't work for you. Just keep trying till something resonates with you personally and you see positive changes in yourself. 

It is totally okay to be a work in progress, but it isn't the best time for romantic relationships. Its fair to say we are always a work in progress, but you have to have a good footing about yourself to be ready to date long term.

Now for me, I am 31 years old, and I am not looking for a project boyfriend. In my early twenties I might have had the time and patience for it, but not now. I'm looking for a man that knows what he is & what he wants. When what that man wants is me, I might be off the market. 

Till then I will be spending my time just doing what I love. I will be making jewelry, trying my hand at writing, re-visiting my childhood with vintage video games, eating or drinking with my friends, and enjoying the single life. 

If my life was so terrible that only a relationship would save it, then I don't have anything to offer that man I am waiting for. It took me way too long to full understand that, and now that I have, the last 10 or so years of my life look very different than they did at the time. Now that I love my life, I wont settle for anything less than someone who can take it to the next level. Because after 30 odd years of self doubt, depression, and anxiety... I finally see that I deserve better.